How I Lost My Yawn
My partner and I went out for a beer on a Friday afternoon after work. I was very tired from a long week, but I really wanted to go out and celebrate the end of the work week. Unfortunately, when I sat and relaxed (finally!!!), I started to yawn. They came one after another and I could not control them. My partner was not very happy at first and he started to be more and more unhappy while the yawning phase was progressing. I was yawning like a girl, or a European. You keep your mouth closed. You can also put your hand in front of your mouth. But a big, unconfined yawn is considered impolite.
At the end, my partner got very upset with me, insisting that I should not have gone to the pub if I was that tired and thinking that my closed-mouth yawn was an attempt to deceive. The next thing I remember I have changed the way I yawn. It is hard after over 40 years, but that is what I did. Why did I give up my yawn so easily? Did I give up anything else? I did not remember at first. Then I realized that I definitely gave up “I am fine, how are you?” because that used to come out aggressive. I gave up asking about his day as that was going to make me sound inquisitive. I gave up looking busy in the kitchen as that was going to agitate him. “Are you stressed out?” sounded aggressive also. I gave up “I disagree”. Wow this is a longer list that I anticipated.
Silencing yourself is an interesting process. It starts so small that it goes unnoticed and slowly you get so used to it, until you wake up damaged. I have seen it in other people, when the process is already farther along. I used to look at them with a little contempt, thinking how weak they were and of what skills they lacked. How can you go there? Until it was me, and I realized it is a different story. There is not always a big threat. Life is pretty much the same, things are good, you are free to behave as you wish. And then one day there is a single word that causes people around you to get upset and to give you a lot of grief. The peace and harmony, that you cherish so much, is compromised. At first, you fight for your word. You explain, you suggest a compromise. You may even get it.
But things take time, effort, and half a day is gone, talking about one word. You are exhausted. You have a full day at work, problems to solve, a life to live, you are getting older so you know you have less time in general. Next time comes around. It is another word. Your instinct is to fight for it but then you think that avoiding that specific inconsequential word, will provide peace.
Peace is priceless, after all. And it works. Things go smoothly and you save half-day of battle. People around you are happier and relieved. You think you won’t miss that word that much, so you call it a success. Life goes on. Then when the next word comes around, you do not even question it this time, you cave in immediately and you will give up your little word. One more to the list but more time for you, more happiness for the people around you. You think it will end at 5 words, 6 at the maximum. You think that people will appreciate your change. But this is just the beginning.
Today it is an inconsequential word and tomorrow a full sentence. The next day, it is another word. Then it is a hand-gesture. The list is growing, but so slowly that you do not realize it . If you do not give them up immediately, then you realize the opposition is stronger. You gave up the other one, so why not this one? The world around you got so used to it, then you not doing it is weird.
Then one day I lost my yawn and I realized that I have a long list of words, gestures and sentences that I lost on the way without knowing how or when. I have a very good memory, but it feels that everything has been erased in my head.
How many words or small sentences can you lose from yourself to be deeply damaged? One, one thousand, one hundred thousand? Are there inconsequential words? I do not have an answer. But the loss of my words is changing me. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to keep that first word.
That word is the deepest wound because it can be lost forever.