My Life Divided into a Before and After

The contributor of this survivor story has requested to remain anonymous. This is their victim impact statement read in court.

It is difficult to put into words the profound impact this three-year dating relationship has had on my life. Over these years, I endured a relentless cycle of emotional, physical, sexual, and psychological abuse that has left me struggling to reclaim my life. I met the defendant in 2021, shortly after my 20-year marriage ended. I was raising two boys, ages 11 and 15 at the time, and though I faced many challenges, I was strong, independent, and confident in who I was. I had hoped that my life background and my education, as well as a professional career running a successful business would carry me through a difficult time. I was ready for the next chapter of my life and optimistic about my future.

Then I met the defendant. I was instantly taken by him. I'd only had one real romantic relationship in my life and he seemed so different. Full of charm, charisma, emotional connection, support and with stories of adventure and an exciting life on the road, he called his an “unconventional life”. He showed me a world and romance like I had never known and promised us a future I could only dream of. I fell hard and fast, as he showed signs of everything I thought I needed from a partner.

However, this quickly changed. From the beginning, I felt manipulated and controlled. The violence didn’t happen all at once, and it wasn’t always clear or obvious at first. I didn’t realize how deeply I was entangled until it was too late. My independence was stripped away, as I became emotionally dependent on my abuser, whose needs and control over me dictated every aspect of my existence. I felt trapped in a cycle of confusion and fear. His own life destruction, fallouts from addiction, and impulsive choices would turn to anger and violence directed at me and immediately follow up with extensive apologies, dismissals, blame, threats, harassment, and promise of change. It seemed I was soon unable to make decisions for myself or trust my instincts, something I had never struggled with in my life. This emotional cycle and these promises of change that were never fulfilled, created devastating cycles of hope and despair. I did not participate in his destruction; I only sought escape.

When I tried to leave, the harassment intensified… filled with blame and guilt for causing his output, and then pivoting to telling me his actions had come from feelings of protection, or because he had never loved somebody so much, that he feared losing me and my boys, that he didn’t want to lose “this” (as he often referred to me) that I would be leaving him abandoned and with nothing, that we were “both” crazy in love with each other and that “we” could not live without the other. And if I blocked him? He would simply show up. Threats to call the police, locking myself in rooms, blocking him…there was no escape. No boundaries. And the cycle went on. I felt true shame for the first time in my life, and although I tried to leave on many occasions, ultimately trapped.

The physical, emotional, and sexual violence continued over three years, culminating in the August incident that damaged my property, physically harmed me, and shattered my sense of safety in my own home. It was by no means the first time there had been violence in the relationship, but it would be the last. The fear and trauma I experienced on that day, but really from all three years, linger long after any physical wounds have healed or damage has been fixed. I now live with constant anxiety, unable to leave my workplace alone, go outside at night, and am fearful of unexpected encounters with my abuser, which have continued in some way as recently as December even with a protective order and restraining order in place. The emotional scars from this relationship run deeper than I ever knew was possible. Immediately following the assault and my awakening to the context of what I endured in those three years, I was not a functioning or whole person. I was unable to get out of bed or leave my home, having frequent panic attacks and debilitating nightmares, as well as suicidal ideations. I was and have been diagnosed with acute PTSD, moderate depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety, conditions that have severely impacted my ability to function as a mother, a professional, and an individual.

You see, when you leave your abuser, even with an attempt at no contact, they are still everywhere. I continue to be haunted by the memories of the emotional manipulation, violence and the incessant attempts to control me through intimidation and guilt. I constantly relive these moments, flashbacks, living in a constant state of hyper vigilance, and struggling to make sense of the trauma I endured or how I could ever get into a situation like I did. I had always considered myself an intelligent, independent, and strong woman. I have also been forced to confront the consequences of this relationship on my children. I hid my abuse from them for three years, but on that day in August, my children witnessed the aftermath of the abuse in ways no child should ever have to. They found me physically harmed and scared, a hole in my door and a shattered mirror. This experience, and the subsequent trauma, will stay with them for life, and it pains me that I couldn't protect them from this reality. They would proceed to clean up the glass, two teenagers, responsible for and shocked by a 52 year old man’s choices. I worry about what they have watched me experience over the last six months and even recently, when forced to witness two police officers entering our home and taking a statement after it was suspected that the defendant violated two orders of protection. This is not the life they grew up knowing or living. The defendant used my sons, forming an extremely close bond with one of them and then taking this relationship to control me every time I tried to leave him. He would accuse me of putting my son through abandonment for a second time, using the example of the divorce and his Dad leaving as the first. He never showed them, or anyone, the abusive or violent side he showed me and so I struggled with my gut feelings of anxiety and what to do daily, when I felt so isolated in this partnership. Through my daily struggles, I have fought tirelessly to protect my boys from the aftermath of this relationship. They are thriving and doing so well, yet I will forever regret allowing them to bond with someone who was a dangerous man. My journey towards healing has been an ongoing battle. It is all consuming and there is nothing I can do to fast forward ahead, only get up each day and continue to do the work.

With no history of mental health issues, I was admitted to an intensive outpatient program at Middlesex Hospital for extensive therapy for 6 weeks following the final assault in August, and have continued individual therapy, treatment for PTSD, and support groups since. I am on medications for depression, anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares. The necessity of these supports and time required to implement them has had a major impact on my ability to run my business, maintain personal and professional relationships and has resulted in financial losses. I have had to navigate not only the emotional fallout, but also the practical and logistical implications of seeking justice and ensuring my safety and the countless hours this requires. This has included many hours with court advocates, legal and victim advocates, the Police Department, trips to the courthouse and managing the logistics required just to keep myself safe, now and in the future. Continuing to relive this relationship through these processes has been traumatic and hindered my healing progress.

The road to recovery has been filled with challenges, but I am committed to reclaiming my life. Though I know I am just one of dozens you will hear speak in this court this week alone, I implore you to consider the significant and lasting impact of domestic abuse on victims, the impact on their lives long after they leave a relationship and the devastating effect on their families. The trauma does not end with physical separation from the abuser; and in some ways, that is when the challenges truly begin. Healing and recovery require a substantial commitment - emotional, financial, and time- that all take a strength that is some days impossible to find. Nothing will ever be the same for me. My life is now divided into before and after the abuse. My trust in others has been shattered, and I have distanced myself from many friends and family. I feel triggered by the slightest sights, noises or comments by others, making it at times difficult to do anything other than isolate. Mostly, I have so much regret. I carry that around with me every day. Not only for the impact this had on me, but for all who have had to be affected because of one choice I made in 2021, and all of the times I didn’t leave after. And most of all, for my two boys, who have had a healthy, loving, uplifted, outgoing and stable Mom who was filled with joy for their entire lives and who have had to witness her struggling and in pain for far too long now. No sentencing will change my future or what happened to me. Prior to this experience I believed in rehabilitation, second chances and the goodness in all humans. I still do. But now I believe a bit more in justice.

The defendant was given 52 years of second chances. He self admittedly escaped the law many times in his life and in our three years together, and has self admittedly never followed through on real change or believed in rules. I stood by him, grasping at the hope for change and doing everything I could to assist him with this, as he continuously used this as a way to abuse, manipulate and control me. My goal when finally leaving for good was never for retaliation or to expose who he had been in our relationship or was as a person, only to escape this nightmare and be left alone, to move on with my life with and for my family. The defendant would not allow that to happen. He still attempts to have control over my life. Today I ask for recognition of the pain, suffering, and ongoing challenges that I, and so many in my life, have faced as a result of the abuse I endured at the hands of the defendant for three years. He made repeated choices, driven by a desire for power and control.….and these decisions will not only affect him, but will continue to affect me and those who love me forever. He should suffer the consequences of his actions, as I so brutally have had no choice but to.

Thank you for listening to my story, and for allowing me to speak my reality and my truth. If given the chance, I would like to be the one granted a second chance this time- to find trust and beauty in human nature once again and regain my sense of empathy. I do believe that while deep empathy was what got me here today, it can ultimately give me another chance in this life, and bring me back to the person I always was and who I know I still can be.

And to the defendant. In November of 2021, only 2 months after we met, you texted me: “I think you’re tough as fuck and clearly someone who almost refuses to be needy. You made autonomous decisions for so long in a marriage that relied on your efforts all the time, had to tough it out through all the ridiculous backlash when announcing your divorce, ran your business, raised your kids with prowess, kept yourself running, exercising and dieting. You’re about as unfragile as it gets and I try to take a page from your toughness.” That was one thing you had right about me- I am tough, and unfragile and I am still standing. You will never take away my resilience, my will to live, or my capacity to rebuild. I will never stop fighting for my life, my boys, and my healing. So yes, I am tough, and unfragile, and I will continue to move forward—because my story isn’t over quite yet.